I have been feeling very overwhelmed and there's just a lot of things I'm reconsidering in life. One of those things is gal. I have adored gal for many years but I feel like I don't really belong in it. I feel really weird using the gal hashtags and even associating myself with it in any way because I'm so far from it now. I've become very basic and toned down, even more so than before lmfao. I don't feel the urge to dress up anymore or even do my makeup super dramatic because I don't go anywhere anymore. I mostly just go to work then I stay home. There's really no reason for me to doll up.
That being said, I'm considering selling most of my gal closet, particularly my extra girly taobao/Liz Lisa stuff. I feel like if I'm going to stay somewhat in gal I'm probably leaning more on Onee or something (not that it matters because my sense of style is pretty shit these days lol).
I still try to do my makeup if I get the chance to, but it's just so time consuming and, although I really enjoy it, I feel like it's a waste in the end. I don't even know lol.
Nowadays I get exhausted from things I used to have no trouble doing, like socializing with people or being outside. Things that made me happy before seem dull and no longer bring me any sort of joy whatsoever. I feel hallow and numb most days so all I want to do is cry/sleep. My mood fluctuates greatly throughout the day; I can start off really happy then plummet into a sudden void of sadness or vice versa. It scares and saddens me at the same time because I feel like there is something wrong but I can never really zero in on what that "something" is. Even on days where I figure it all out, I still feel like all the things I listed (although they are valid) aren't the real reason. I get so frustrated with myself all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry lol.
People say it will get better and that things will turn out in the end but I am becoming increasingly impatient. I get more and more negative every day and it's such a struggle to even fake being happy at work or when I'm out. I don't know what I'm doing anymore or why and I'm just so tired of life. I feel like I'm losing my mind slowly and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I sound crazy and I push people away even though a lot of my sadness stems from feeling alone, unwanted, and unimportant.
Other than all that sad shit, I did manage to do some positive things. I colored my hair again, it's a bit of a darker red than before because I didn't like how it faded out into an orange (because it was bleached first). I have a better shampoo now and since it's a bit darker than before it's not such an ugly fade. I also celebrated my mom's birthday and got a new phone which I love so much (gold S6). I'm going to stop my ramblings now so here's a picture dump~
|Old selfies are old!|
New selfies with my new phone!
|This is what my fresh color looks like~|
|Koji says hi.|
One of my best friends takes archery lessons so here's me trying out his bow:
Until next time I guess~ Thanks for reading!